Chandler: “Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite.”
Monica: “That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again…now I’m just someone’s wife.”

And then everyone laughs. But here’s the thing; that joke wouldn’t be funny unless it were at least a little bit true, and it just happens to be more than a little bit true.

See, for months (maybe even years), you’ve been planning your wedding, and the closer it got to the big day the more hectic your life probably became. But as stressful as it was, the truth is, you probably enjoyed it a little bit. Not the chaos, of course, but the anticipation of this grand celebration you’ve been putting every ounce of your effort and free time into. And then BAM: this huge, beautiful event comes together perfectly at the end. Talk about a major payoff.

Plus, you’ve just undergone a substantial change in your life. For one, you’ve now accepted a different identity, as you’re now part of a marriage and may even have a different last name. In addition though, you’ve probably gotten a bit used to this “I’m the bride so I get what I want” mindset. Sorry; truth hurts.

So it’s completely understandable to feel slightly letdown after your big day. It doesn’t make you selfish, shallow or unappreciative, it just makes you normal. So let’s look at a few ways to get you back to your old self.

1.) Talk about it. Yup, it’s #1 on the list. Either talk to your husband (who should at least humor you as a shoulder to cry on, if not than why the hell did you marry him) or a friend that was recently married. Once you realize how common this feeling can be, and that you’re not alone and are completely normal, things will start to let up. Plus, it gives you a chance to hear how your friend got past it herself. And if all else fails, a counselor will help you through this time.

2.) Plan new couple events. It doesn’t have to be a huge celebration on a scale equal to your wedding, but planning things as a couple will help you past that “What now…” mentality. Whether it’s an awesome 4th of July celebration or a just a nice date night, planning something with you and your hubby will help you realize that there is life after marriage.

3.) Take up a new hobby. If you’ve been budgeting your time correctly, you probably got pretty used to multitasking, so now that a large part of your workload is gone, take the opportunity to fill it up with something fun! Take a class, learn another language, go to the gym or just relax!

4.) Revisit your financial or family goals. Think about it, when you were dating your entire goal wasn’t just to get married, it was to get married, move up in your career, start a family, or many other goals. So focus on one of them! If you think this is the time to really get going on your career, make a list of what you need to do and get it done! If you want to start trying for a family, talk to your partner and start planning!

5.) Purge. Think of it as the Christmas Tree the day after Christmas. Leading up to and on December 25, the Christmas Tree is a thing of anticipation and excitement! But after, it’s just a little bit sad. Same thing with wedding planning materials. There’s no point in keeping those old bridal magazines if you’re never going to need them again (and hopefully, you won’t). So give them to a friend, or my personal favorite, drop them off at the gym.

Now there seems to be two separate camps when it comes to whether a woman should change her last name to that of her husbands, and then a third camp with an entirely different opinion all-together (we’ll get to that in a second). But let’s discuss some reasons why you should or shouldn’t change your last name when you get married.

Reasons to Change Your Last Name

1.) You love following tradition. While some may argue that women taking a man’s name has been around since the beginning of time (it hasn’t), it’s still fair to say it’s been around pretty damn long. If you like the idea of sticking to tradition, then by all means, swap your last name for his.

2.) You feel it would bring you closer to your husband or strengthen your marriage. Many people feel changing their name connects them to their husband on a deeper, more meaningful level, while others feel they will love their spouse regardless of whether their last names are the same or not. If you feel more comfortable being identified as “The Burtons” rather than “Mark and Anna,” than go ahead and make the change.

3.) You don’t have a great connection to your own last name. As someone that is regarded by a bit of a feminist by close friends of mine, it surprised people when they learned I’d actually love to take my boyfriend’s last name. “We don’t even have to get married,” I’d quip. “I’ll go down to the courthouse and do it this afternoon if you’d let me!” But the fact is, I was adopted when I was 12, and have never really liked the new name I was given. And since I have very few good memories with my original last name, it wouldn’t make much sense to keep that one either. It would be nice to have a clean start.

Reasons to Keep Your Last Name

1.) You love the identity of your current name. As a writer, my last name actually holds a lot of weight. It’s tough to claim a sample of my work when the author’s name is different than my own. When I first started getting published, I created a separate first and last name (using my boyfriend’s last name) so even if I did get married I would be able to author my articles with the same signature.

But even if you aren’t a writer, do you identify with the name you already have? Would it bother you to leave behind this identity? Are you proud of where your name comes from and what it signifies? Than by all means, keep it!

2.) You have kids that don’t want to change their names. Of course a marriage is about the two of you, and not what anyone else thinks, but many women choose to keep their own name for the sake of showing their kids that it’s an option. It’s not uncommon for a mother to want to have the same last name as her children.

Camp Three: Hyphenation and His Name Change

As I mentioned earlier, I was adopted when I was 12, and have been counting down the days until I can make another name change. My brother, who was 10 at the time, also hated our new last name. When he was recently married, we ended up having many late-night discussions about whether she would take his last name. Not because it was tradition, but because even he didn’t want to be associated with it. He’d all but legally dropped it in every other sense, introducing himself by his first and middle name, leaving me to wonder if he would legally change his middle name to his last (and she would then take his new last name), or if he would take hers. He ended up taking hers, but still introduces himself by his first and middle name.

And as odd as it sounds, I don’t feel their marriage is going to suffer any for it. Whether it’s hyphenation, or a complete name change, you enter into a relationship as two individuals vowing to share your lives with each other. And it’s up to you whether or not that means also sharing your last name.

Sometimes, a wedding can really take on a life of it’s own. What you originally thought you wanted (a small, secluded, close-family-and-friends-only ceremony with an acoustic guitar) quickly turns into a combination of what everyone else wanted (a 250+, formal Catholic ceremony with a 20 person choir). So it’s no wonder that one of the biggest regrets about wedding planning is, “I should’ve eloped.”

And it’s perfectly reasonable. Personally, I find the idea of eloping incredibly romantic, and am definitely considering it for my big day. But going off to the nearest courthouse with a stranger as a witness can also lead to a few regrets. Instead, take a look at this list of common elopement regrets and make sure your day still turns out to be the day of your dreams.

1.) “I never got to wear a wedding dress.” If there’s one giant piece of the wedding fantasy, it’s usually the dress, and brides can tend to feel a bit jaded when they miss out on getting to wear one. Just because you’re choosing to elope instead of having a grand ceremony doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look like the radiant bride you are on your special day. If you’re planning on eloping in the future, by all means go dress shopping and allow the proper amount of time for fittings, adjustments, etc. If you’re thinking of doing it tomorrow though, still stop by a bridal salon. Most likely they will still be able to get you something gorgeous right off the rack.

2.) “I wish my parents had been there.” Regardless if you’re having a giant wedding extravaganza or a tiny courthouse ceremony, getting married is a big deal. It’s also, in theory, a once in a lifetime event. Your parents have been there since you were teeny-tiny, and have seen you grow into the amazing person you are today. They may feel incredibly hurt if they weren’t included in this hugely significant day in your life. So maybe give Mom and Dad a quick call and tell them to meet you at the courthouse. You don’t have to throw a huge wedding for their sake, but at least give them the option of being there during the official ceremony.

3.) “This isn’t what I’ve dreamed about my whole life.” Look, eloping is definitely different than the wedding you’ve always dreamed of, but if you’ve thought it through (you have thought it through, haven’t you?) then there’s no reason you still can’t make it your dream wedding, just on a significantly smaller scale. Have you dreamt of rows of Calla Lilies? Arrange to have them in your bouquet. Wanted a string quartet? Find a lone violinist. Want pictures? Hire a photographer! Sure some people may say this counts as a wedding and not eloping, but the fact is; it doesn’t matter! Your wedding day is your own and it can be whatever you want it to be.

For many brides, the idea of shopping for the perfect wedding dress is one of the most (if not the most) exciting aspects of planning a wedding. And it should be! My God you know have an excuse to try on as many gorgeous, handcrafted, one-of-a-kind dresses as you see fit! When will another occasion provide you with an excuse to be dressed to the nines? Of course one or two will come along in your life, but the fact is your wedding dress is definitely at the top of a very exclusive list.

And along with it comes the added importance of the day, the family and friends you haven’t seen in ages (and will probably not see for another decade), and the photographs that will displayed for the next 40 years. When you really think about it, there’s a great deal of pressure to find the perfect dress.

So how do you know when you’ve found it? It can be hard to say. If you find yourself unwilling to pull the trigger, you’re not alone. Many brides have a hard time purchasing a dress when they know there may be a better one out there yet. Here are some ways to help narrow down if you’ve got good reason to keep looking or if you’re doing more harm than good.

1.) How do you feel in the dress. If you feel radiant, gorgeous and confident, is there really a reason to continue looking? If you see yourself in the mirror, and have that, “Eh, what about that dress?” attitude, it may be right to continue the search, but if you can’t bear to take the dress off, it may be a sign. Just as the saying goes, wedding dress shopping is a lot like dating; in order to find “the one” you have to stop searching for others.

2.) How many dresses have you tried on? In general, it’s not a great idea to try on a million different dresses. In the end, you just end up confusing yourself. After all, you may look gorgeous in a traditional ballgown, but a lace, A-line dress may flatter you just as well. If your numbers are getting up there, it might be time to take a step back and really think about what you want in a dress. It might be helpful to discuss this with a knowledgable consultant. With a narrowed down wish-list and the right entourage, you’re sure to find the dress of your dreams.

3.) How would you feel if someone else got the dress? If you’re having trouble deciding between two dresses, imagine this scenario: you return to the salon the next day to find one of the dresses has been purchased by someone else. Which dress would you be more upset about losing? In addition, if you’re trying on dresses and another bride wants to try on the same one, which one would you give up first? That gut feeling is often your true opinion trying to make it through.

And if you’re anything like me, reading the sentence right above this one creates a mix of panic and delusional self-confidence (“It’ll be okay…I’m sure my 14 year-old niece knows what she’s doing…”). Yeah…before you put all your eggs in the “14 year-old niece” basket let’s cover some ground-rules.

Do: Hire a makeup artist. These people make a living making others look gorgeous. They know the exact shade of foundation to use and countless other tips like how to make your nose look narrower or your eyes look larger. What the average person knows about makeup (red lipstick = reddish lips) is but a mere drop in the bucket compared to what they know. So unless you’re a makeup artist yourself, put your trust in someone that knows what they’re doing.

Do: A test run. You wouldn’t hire a professional before seeing examples of their work, right? Of course not! Thing is though, makeup is a bit different than baking a cake or arranging some flowers. Because your skin is unique to you, a test run lets you see how you’ll react to the products your makeup artist will use on your wedding day. In addition, it lets you tweak some things: don’t like how your eye-shadow looks? Face feels like it’s not breathing? Adjust it all in the test run.

Don’t: Expect the usual. Wedding makeup needs to be a bit more dramatic than everyday makeup; photography can have a tendency to leave a bride looking a bit washed-out, otherwise. Don’t worry though, dramatic doesn’t have to mean unnatural.

Don’t: Be secretive. If your makeup artist is going to do the best possible job, they need to know all the details. No point in finding your perfect shade of ivory foundation only to show up on the day of your wedding looking a slightly less orange shade of Snooki. And it makes no sense to create an eye-shadow palette designed to make your baby-blues pop only to show up wearing green contacts.

Your makeup artist needs to know other factors as well. Are you getting married at high noon in mid-July? If so, she’s going to want to make sure she uses some sweat-proof formula. Will water be involved? Of course you’re probably going to cry, but are you planning on scuba diving? Getting married at Niagara Falls? Make sure your artist has the whole picture.

Don’t: Settle. If you don’t like your look, say something! Just because they are the professional doesn’t mean you have to take all of their suggestions. If you don’t like the way you’re looking, there’s nothing wrong with asking for a few adjustments. After all, you are the bride, and the bride gets what she wants.

Planning a wedding can be incredibly stressful (no need to tell you, right?). So no need to add to the chaos! A bridal shower is meant to be an enjoyable time for the bride, not another notch on the list of things that can cause her to have a potential meltdown. That being said though, everything is stressful if you don’t even know where to start. So here’s a few answers to some questions you might be asking regarding your wedding shower.

1.) Who’s job is it to throw the shower? Now typically, the maid of honor would take over this task, but things are changing. I’ve even known brides who have had two wedding showers (one thrown by friends and another thrown by family). Personally, I found this to be a fantastic idea. The shower thrown by friends was held on a Saturday night and went straight to the bachelorette party (a story I may share with you in a future post), killing two birds with one stone. And why not? Everyone already freed up their night to spend it with the future bride, so it was perfect!

2.) Who gets invited?  Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the bridal shower.  This includes anyone who is close with the bride, mainly friends, family, and coworkers. 

3.) What about the theme? I’m going out a bit on a limb here, but don’t stress too much about the theme. Some themes revolve around the party, like a “Night in Paris” theme with finger food, wine, cheese and berets, or a “Sex in the City” theme with cosmos, heels and gorgeous outfits. Others revolve around the gifts, like a “Health and Fitness” theme with gifts all related to health and fitness. When it comes down to it though, you don’t need to go overboard. After all, there is always going to be an underlying theme anyway: getting married. If you do decide on a theme though, be sure to choose it before sending out invitations, that way everyone will have all the proper information the first time around.

4.) Speaking of invitations, what else needs to be addressed? The main things are: the invitations, games that will be played at the shower, food and drink, a general plan for the shower (two hours during brunch? All night wine-tasting?), and possibly favors, depending on if you want to have them or not. As long as guests know what they’re getting into you’ll be good. After the shower, make sure to send out thank-you cards for your gifts. Yes, it’s a bit old school, but everyone always likes getting a little thank-you note in the mail.

Here’s to a fantastic wedding shower!

Hey there. How’s your day going? Same ol, same ol, huh?  Great, to hear. Now let’s talk about something awkward.

Weddings take a serious amount of planning; we all know this. And when you’re planning something that is as in-depth as a wedding, meaning you need to account for the flowers, the cake, the dress, the venue, the guest list and a magillion (oh yeah, I made that up) other things, you need time. Years, sometimes. So it’s completely understandable that a decision you were comfortable with a year ago is no longer the best decision today. I mean, c’mon, we all know how much things can change in a year.

And one of those decisions, unfortunately is who makes up your wedding party.

In general, who you invite to your wedding (friends and family avert your eyes) is not near as important as who is in your wedding. In many ways,  your bridal party is a reflection of yourself. They are often your best friends and closest confidants which means that, a lot of times, you tend to overlook any qualities that could come back to haunt you. After all, they’re your best friends, right?

Sure they are…for now. For sake of example, this post is mainly going to apply to your bridesmaids. But if you’re a guy reading this feel free to apply the same rules to your groomsmen.

So if she (or he) is pulling any of these things without a reasonable excuse, it’s perfectly okay to fire her ass.

1.) She tries to control your wedding. Let me make this perfectly clear: there is a difference between having an opinion and pushing an opinion. If she’s constantly belittling your own choices (or even making changes without consulting you), put your foot down. This is your wedding, not hers, and her job as a bridesmaid is to support you, not make your life a living hell. Everyone gets one warning, of course, but if she keeps it up feel free to have her replaced.

2.) She hates your fiance and isn’t afraid to show it. First of all, let’s assume she’s got a point. Let’s assume she has a million reasons why you shouldn’t be getting married to this person, and she really is just concerned that you’re making the wrong decision. Fine. Give her a chance to vent. She gets one chance, and one chance only to get everything out on the table. After that, if you decide that you still want to move forward with the wedding, she needs to shut up. If you’ve heard her reason for concern and decided he’s still the man for you, she needs to support your decision.

And second of all, you’re not the only one getting married. How would you like it if the best man was a complete jerk to you on your wedding day? If she’s not going to treat your future husband with the respect he deserves, she doesn’t deserve to be in the wedding.

3.) She has too much going on in her own life. This one isn’t so much about deciding what’s best for you, but what’s best for her as well. If she has an incredible amount of drama going on, it can not only be difficult for her to keep up on bridesmaid duties, but to also keep her own sanity. For example, If she’s busy taking care of an ailing parent, going through a bitter divorce or just lost her job, it’s going to seem selfish to ask her to spend her extra time and money throwing you a bachelorette party and showing up to a dress fitting and rehearsal dinner.

Instead, talk to her and ask if she wants out. In some cases, it might actually be a relief for her to know that she will be able to just come to your wedding and enjoy herself and not have to worry about the work that needs to go into it.

On the other hand though, a best friend is a best friend, and if it’s important to you to have her standing up there next to you, cut her some slack. Just make sure your other bridesmaids are people that really have their act together.

 1.  Don’t pay full price for vendor meals. Make sure your hall backs out the alcohol portion as your vendors are professionals and should not be drinking at your wedding.

 2. Don’t assume your banquet hall will fold your napkins brought in from an outside vendor. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t so if they don’t you have a big problem on your wedding day and the job might not get done.

 3. Don’t not order extra invitations and envelopes. A second printing always cost much more than the first batch. It’s better to order more now than pay more later.

 4.  Don’t assume your Catering Manager at the hall is your Day-of Coordinator. They have one goal in mind the day of your wedding and that is to make sure that their responsibilities are being taken care of meaning getting the food out to your guests, taking care of any bar problems, etc. They will not help you fix your bustle, or pack your items up at the end of the night plus many other things in-between that come up.

 5. Don’t assume that your DJ, Photographer or Videographer works alone. They often bring along an assistant and that is an extra meal that you may or may not have to pay for. It is best when you hire that vendor to ask them if they bring along someone so you know if you will need to provide another meal.

 6.  Don’t assume your guests know that they can’t take home your rented centerpieces. Yes, you heard me, often the vases are rented and need to be returned to the florist and your guests just walk off with them not giving a second thought to this. Then you are stuck paying a replacement fee to your florist for the missing vases!

 7. Don’t assume that getting a chair cover for a $1 or so is a great deal. Often these are a mess and not clean or pressed. I have even seen them with holes and rips at the bottom…not very classy for your dream reception. Not to say that you won’t find some chair cover vendors that do take pride in their work and will deliver a nice and clean finished product but you must be careful.

 8.  Don’t assume your Limo Driver knows where he/she is taking you although you have provided directions and/or the address to each location. It is best to type something up and give it to him/her at the first pickup. This way you won’t have to be yelling up every 5 minutes…No turn here, back up, stop!

 9.  Don’t assume your wedding guests won’t come up and bother you at your reception with seating issues. Trust me this is the last thing you want to deal with while you are trying to enjoy your meal. Having a day-of coordinator in charge to trouble-shoot these little issues that often come up will save you a great deal of stress.

 10.  Don’t assume your hall will cut and serve your wedding cake to your guests for free. Be sure to check your contract to see what the charge is and often you can negotiate it.

About the author:

 Tracie Morris has been a wedding consultant since 1999, certified since 2002. Since then, she’s become known as the Bride Guru. Ask her your wedding questions and get free advice by emailing her at tracie@yourethebride.com.

Assuming that you’ve already picked out your wedding dress, and have some other aspects of the wedding already planned (location, date, colors, budget and bridal party), it’s time to choose the bridesmaid dresses.

Now technically, you really don’t even need this list. If you want to choose a dress that you like and tell the bridesmaids to make it happen that by all means go ahead. Having said that there are a few things to keep in mind if you want to make things easier on your bridesmaids (and you should, they’re already having to dish out a lot of dough just to be in your wedding).

1.) Consider their budget. If you aren’t going to be paying for the dress, it’s unfair to ask them to buy a dress that’s not only completely outside their price range, but also one that they may never wear again. If you’re 22 and all your friends are putting themselves through college, requiring them to buy a $400 dollar dress isn’t realistic. And if it’s the $400 dress you want, than you should pitch in and cover the cost. If you can’t afford to do that, than choose another dress option, it’s that simple.

2.) Consider their body types. Assuming that you’re not one of those self-involved and insecure brides seen on television, I’m going to guess that you aren’t going to intentionally dress your bridesmaids in a way that ensures you’ll be the most attractive one in all the pictures. In that case, keep in mind the body types of your bridesmaids. If you’re dying to have that strapless dress, maybe consider one that comes with detachable straps for later in the evening, making sure your busty pal will be able to dance the night away without having to worry about coming out of her dress every other song.

3.) Consider the cut. An A-line or empire waist dress tends to be the most comfortable and flattering shape for most women. Whether your bridesmaids are teeny-tiny or plus-size, you want them to feel comfortable in the dress. Don’t make them squeeze into a body-conscious dress. If you want them to lose weight for your wedding (how cruel are you?) this isn’t the way to do it.

4.) Consider the setting. Are you getting married in the dead of summer? Then for heaven’s sake don’t put your bridesmaids in floor length satin gowns unless you’re all going to be inside, safe and sound in an abundance of air-conditioning. And if you’re planning a winter wedding, at least allow them a shawl or something to throw over their shoulders as they’re waiting to enter the reception hall.

5.) Consider the store. Last year I was a bridesmaid, and the bride found an adorable little dress from her local boutique. Thank God she was ahead of the game though, as I was able to send them my measurements and they sent me the required dress so I could have alterations done closer to home. Other stores may not be so understanding, so make sure your bridesmaids will actually be able to acquire whatever dress you choose.

And then came panic. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked feverishly on the way home. “I plan a bachelor party, right? And give a toast? How do I do either of those things?! Oh God, oh God, oh God…”

Hence, for his sanity (and my own), I’ve decided to put together a list of Best Man responsibilities.

1.) Organize the Bachelor Party. This seems to be the hands-down, #1 priority of the Best Man, and while some have pitched in with their own views (“He doesn’t have to throw the bachelor party…”) many considered it insulting that he would even think about not throwing it. In essence, the bachelor party acts as a well-wishes sendoff into married life, meaning it’s absolutely essential. It doesn’t have to be crazy (no need for strippers or an emergency “bail-me-out-of-jail” fund), just something to make the Groom feel cared about. Hell a night of good steaks, cigars and poker might even be the best option.

In short, the Best Man is responsible for making the plans and then collecting the money from the other groomsmen to make it happen. The Groom should be paying for nothing.

2.) Make a toast. Yes, it is customary for the Best Man to make a toast at the wedding, and there’s no getting out of it. The toast doesn’t have to be complicated, just heartfelt. A simple story (under five minutes) explaining how well you know the groom followed by how he clearly is in love with his new bride will be sure to be a show-stealer every time.

3.) Dance. Not with everyone, mind you, but typically the Best Man needs to dance with at least the Bride and sometimes the Maid of Honor. Oh and I am also deciding that it is customary for the Best Man to dance with any woman he brought to the party also. All night. No questions asked.

4.) Produce the Rings. At the ceremony the Best Man will either hold the rings and then produce them when they are called for, or he will take them from the Ring-bearer and hand them to the Groom.

5.) Help out. Mostly with the Groomsmen, as the Groom should not have to deal with any crazy behavior tonight, but also anything else. If the Bride gives the Groom a task to help with the wedding (scoping potential bands?) and the Groom needs a second opinion, the best man should offer to help. In addition, the Best Man will typically sign the marriage license after the ceremony (if they are over 18 years old), make sure the couple’s transportation is lined up and ready to go, and make sure the groomsmen get their tuxes back to the rental shop. Generally speaking though, the Best Man’s job is to help with anything else the groom could need help with, whether it’s in the wedding planning, at the ceremony, or anytime during the next 50 years of the marriage.